( 3 ) THE TRAGEDY AT YSBYTY GWYNEDD

We arrived,and it was a relief,to arrive,i knew,well i thought, i knew,that Ayesha would be in safe hands,she was at a hospital,that could save her life.

People stared at us,when we went in to Dewi Ward.Passers by,must have seen her looking so ill,and saw me drained,by it all. We were seen,in a small room,by a young doctor.Being Ayesha's hands was so cold,he could not do much,until they warmed up. As he walked away,it was only a nurse,me and Ayesha there, Ayesha had another episode.To an outsider,it would have looked like epilepsy,but being Ayesha had them now and again,during growth spurt,due to her prematurity,i knew these episodes,were not fits. She was on medication for them,and had been for several years.

The nurse had forgotten to put the bars on the bed up,and i had to remind her,because in this episode,Ayesha would have fallen on her head. The bars were put up. She came round,after a few minutes,and we were moved to a ward,a main ward,but no other patients in the bed. She looked lost in a big ward on her own.

She asked what was going on,this was around 5.30pm,i told her that we had to wait to see someone,and see what was going on with her. She was scared too,and still said that the headaches,were "doing her head in "Ayesha's words.

I had to ask the Sister to keep an eye on her,so that i could go out and phone important people,that would want to know what was going on with her. I was only out ten minutes,at the most,and on my return,i could not believe my eyes,Ayesha was trapped in the bars on the bed,and swallowing her own sick.I was so angry,and made a point of complaining about this incident,i had left my little girl,in their capable hands,so they should have looked after her.

I had to calm down,and try and see the situation,as it was...serious.

I had not seen nobody for about 3 hours,because there was nobody available,so i went to complain,yet again,and i was told,the doctor that Ayesha needed to see,was busy in the baby unit,with a sick baby. I could not understand the system,surely there was more doctors available? I was going through torture,watching my daughter suffering,it was like watching someone going through a lingering death,and you were made to watch it.

A doctor finally walked in at 9pm,and said,"I've arrived at last",i was so angry,and made it known to him,how angry i really was.

He took a look at her,and it did not seem,he had a clue what was wrong with her.I told him what i thought,was causing her the extreme headaches,sickness,but he was not convinced.

I explained the arching,posturing,but being he had not seen it,he would not comment on what i said. Shortly after,he saw what i meant,and he thought it was fits,i told him i doubted this,and i think he started to doubt it too.

I had to force him to take her bloods,because otherwise,nothing was being done,to her,there was no point standing there,looking at her,and not doing nothing,to save her life.

He started taking blood,and doing the examinations,he needed to do to her. Of course blood results would not come back straight away,and being i was feeling for my daughter,i was getting so impatient,by now.

The episodes were getting more frequent,the arching was getting worse,they were lasting longer,and i was getting more and more scared,each time.

It was 10pm,i was still alone,with only a nurse. Ayesha did ask me,in between the episodes,"What is the Nurse doing"? I replied,"Making your headches better for you".

They were Ayesha's lasts words ever. She had a massive episode,where she did not come out of it. They gave her Diazepam,that did not stop the episodes. By now,I felt sick inside,petrified,I could have screamed out,i did not know what to do.

They advised me to go out,to get some air,because there was a procedure they needed to do. Five minutes later,i was back in,the room,and it stunk,the first thing i remember,the smell was so bad,i could not breathe,they had rectally inserted a drug,to try and control the episodes. They said the episodes had finally stopped,but also that Ayesha had slipped in a coma.

It was a torture.Watching your only child,dying in front of your eyes,and there was nothing you could do,but try and still trust these people.It was devastating.No mother or father,would ever want to experience it.

They told me to try and get my head down,it was a joke.How could i sleep,knowing that my daughter could die. They phoned Lewis Ingram,the Paediatrician,but he refused to come out,and said he would instruct the doctors,and junior doctors,over the telephone.What use was that,to Ayesha and me? It was his place to come out.If he had listened to me prior,it would never have come to this

It was 6am,doctors and nurses were in and out,checking Ayesha's pupils,to see if they were dilated,there was no movement whatsoever.I had so many questions,i needed answers to,but i was so numb inside,i could not think straight.

I kept asking them about her eyes,but the communication was poor,nobody telling me nothing.I felt bad,felt like i did not exist.But during the course of the night,one Sister,that was on shift,had told me,that if Ayesha did not have disabilities,she would have been fussed over,the sister herself had tears in her eyes,feeling helpless,just like me.I could not believe what she told me,to me that was discriminating against the disabled. Then again,some of what she said,could be true. It sure felt like it.

Lewis Ingram,arrived,just gone 7am,and came into the ward to take a look at Ayesha. He took one look at her,and the look in his face,said it all,he was scared himself. He knew by now,that he should have listened to me on the 3rd January 2007,when i first told him,that Ayesha had a blocked shunt.

He said to me,that she was very ill.My words to him "I count you responsible,if my child dies"

I was so angry with this man. I hated him,by now,for not taking notice of a Mother,who knew her only child,and especially a special needs child. You know everything about a child,you look after 24 hrs a day.Any facial expressions,that is different,anything,you pick up on. A mother's instincts,is always right.Do doctors believe parents? No,because they are professional people,who are not always right.

Ingram,insisted on a brain scan,a CT scan,i told him,"thats what i asked for on the 3rd January",he said he was taking her down,he did ask me to go with him,i could not go,as i felt ill.I awaited nervously for Ayesha to be brought back,knowing in my heart,it was going to be a bad outcome,that the damage had been done,the night before.

An hour later,and they came back. His face,said it all,the other paediatricain,that i knew,came running up to me,cuddling me,telling me,how sorry they were,i could not stand up,due to weakness.In my heart,i felt it should have been me,fighting for my life,for my little girl,to have a normal life. Life is not like that is it? you cant always have,what you want.

Ingram,came up to me,and told me,in these words,"You were right,all along,and i am sorry".I was so hurt,and angry,and wanted to hurt this man,because of the way i was feeling.

I did not know what the next step was.Ingram was running around the ward,like a headless chicken,not knowing what to do,knowing Ayesha's life,was in his hands.

He phoned Alder Hey Hospital in Liverpool,and told them the story,and that he had failed to believe me,and that Ayesha had serious brain damage,now. The headaches she had suffered,was the brain being squashed by all the fluid.

Alder Hey,gave him permission to drain the fluid from the brain,so that Ayesha could make the Journey to Liverpool.I stood next to Ingram,while he did this procedure,it was torture for me.Her prognosis was looking very poor,they did not think,in her condition,she would make the journey to Liverpool.