I had sat outside the Bereavement suite so often,knowing in the end that i would have to face her going,but when I was out there thinking things,I kept hoping for this glimmer of hope but it was not meant to be,when it happened and I went to see her the day after she had died,she looked to me,like she was sleeping peacefully,her long blond hair plaited and cuddling this little racoon that she loved,and took everywhere,with her,he meant a lot to her,we had it in Chester Zoo years before,.she treasured it very much. They had put it close by to Ayesha,and she had her hands holding him,at the time,i was empty,scared,finding it hard to believe,that she was gone,but looked the same,i went to kiss her and hug her,that is when it hit hard,when i felt how cold she was,i had never in my life experienced a child's death before . I told her I loved her,and kissed her.
All the emotions were flooding all in my head,heart racing,feeling not well,feeling cold,heartbroken,first thing in my mind,was the thought of driving back home to wales,with only the special blanket,the one that was meant to go home with her,the one they gave special children,that had been so poorly,that sometimes did recover,but for Ayesha,it was not the case.
I had other people to think about on the journey back home,leaving her behind was a major trauma for me,i felt bad,having to let her stay there,even though she had passed away,she was my baby,and going home without her was traumatic. All i could remember was the journey to the Hospital,and how i expected maybe too much at the time,i expected her to be one day coming home,and in better health,well as a parent,you would wish that wouldn't you,I never ever,imagined the day,I would be driving back knowing my daughter was not coming home,ever again.
In the time she was in Alder Hey,Liverpool,I had to go back home for a couple of days,to have space,on my own,to think,what was the best thing for Ayesha,not what was best for me,but for her,for myself it would be,in whatever condition she would have been,I would have been there,I would have done anything for her,but to keep her going and put her through more tortures,would have been cruel on Ayesha,she had suffered enduring pain as it was,she had 4 brain operations to try and save her in a month,there was no hope no more,no hope when 15 doctors ,neurosurgeons take you,as a mum to a room,and brings a nurse in,to support you,with the news that was about to knock me down. I could not fail to listen to so many people of expertise they knew more than i do,i would not have listened if it was one or two,but to get the top people to explain things thorough,to me,and show me c t scans and the extent of damage,i knew she had no chance no more.
I left the Hospital ,it was a very wet day,not a good day to drive when you were stressed,but I had to take people that had been there for me back home,after supporting me,throughout. I was lost,i was empty,i could not ever imagine my life,no more,it was all blank,but very hurtful at the same time. I drove back to wales,and I remember well on the day,that I was driving the A55 towards Ddualt Hill which is on the way towards Prestatyn,I saw a hearse go past,heading for Liverpool,it was a childs,with a name of a little boy on it. It stuck in my head that I would be facing all that ,how i was to face it,i didn't know.
I dropped the people that i was carrying,back home safely,then i had about 20 minutes journey after that to go home,all i could think of,was that i wanted to be with her,that was my purpose,i woke up for her,i went to sleep knowing she was safe,and tucked up in her bed,warm and loved.and this was not going to happen,no more.i wanted to go and be with her,i really did,i just wanted the car to go right into this bridge,that was ahead of me,it was in my mind,but the car,even at full speed,had different ideas,it didn't exactly make it,the way i wished it had.
On finally arriving home,newspaper people were round wanting interviews like they do,i had to find the strength to live,even if i had only lived until her inquest ,which was in the december,i had to do it for my daughter,i owed her,so much,for making me so happy for ten years,i could not let her down,i was determined,to see the inquest through,and do a bit of filming for a welsh programme called "Byd Ar Bedwar",it was to try and help parents not having to go through what i had gone through,that it the reason i went ahead and did it.
I wanted to hurt this Doctor like he had hurt me,i wanted him to be struck off as a doctor,he was not fit to be one,in my eyes,if he had genuinely made a mistake,then yes i could understand,and be a bit more lenient on him,but when i had told him a week prior to her having this major stroke,what was wrong with her,and him failing to listen to me,then it was so painful,knowing it was his fault.
I really wanted to take things further,but my situation at the time,i was not able to,which left me helpless,even though i knew i would have had some kind of closure on it.
From the time I buried my daughter to the Inquest it was so hard,i did not want to go and get anti-depression tablets,and bury my head in the sand,i had to try and focus on what was going on,and face all of it,on my own,as best as i could,believe me,it was torture, I went to the Inquest,I had a fighting spirit inside of me,i did not want a lawyer,defending me,i wanted to get things out of my system,i decided I wanted to be my own Solicitor,it was the only way,to help me to focus.
I had the newspaper people there of course,and the tv people that was filming at the time,when i walked in,all i could see was this Doctor that had taken my daughter's life away,i felt quite sick to the stomach,but i felt i needed to be able to ask him questions with a clear head too.
I had been allowed to question him for a good while,it seemed ages,he was being quiet,and i had to ask him politely to speak up clearly as i could barely hear him,he could not look me in the face,because he had been made to turn around to face to me,he answered some questions,and said he should have listened to me prior when i took her into Hospital,yes too little,too late .
The verdict was given to us all,and it was medical failures,and for the Hospital in Bangor,to do major changes on the ward,and for doctors to listen to more to parents,meant nothing to me,to be honest,because they say all this,and nothing is ever done. I did not feel any different going home really,no satisfaction really,i did not know what to expect there,but i was so glad That Paul May,the top Neurosurgeon from Alder Hey had spoke up,and said,that she would be alive today if he had only believed me,in what was wrong with her,that the headaches was fluid squashing the brain,i could not imagine ever the pain she would have been in,i know we all complain about pain and headaches,but she did not complain much,she said it was banging,little did we know back then.
I went home i was so tired,felt strange going home after all this in your mind,knowing i would not sleep a wink that night,that there was so much emotions going on inside of me,but i had to try,eventually i did sleep a little,only to be woken up by a friend,that said she was happy to hear that i had the right verdict in court,but that she could not imagine,how i felt with the second tragedy that had happened,to me,i did not understand what she meant,to be honest,she said you didnt know that your mother died last night ,she died the time the Judge was reading the verdict. I couldn't believe it,why was it all happening to me,i had done nothing to harm nobody in my life,I had always looked after people,it was what i thought i was suppose to do with my time on earth,i knew of no other life. A life that i had always cared for people,they came before i did,so i found it very hard to understand,why it all happen to me,but i guessed it was just pure unfortunate. They say things happen for a reason,but in my case,i have never believed this to be true,i dont think nobody would have thought that in my situation.
Two Bereavements in less than ten months was extremely hard,being there was no family to support me,i had none,to me it felt like going through the process all over again,when i had not gone through the death of my daughter yet.
I would wake myself crying in the night,not knowing that i had been thinking about anything while sleeping,but obviously i had been,or else I would not be in that state,this was going on for a very long time,to me all i could think of was like climbing an incline and it was never ending,there was no flat surface for years,you kept going up and up and no ending in it,it was how i felt for a number of years,it was very hard,and the illnesses i had,was worsened by it all.
I had Fibromyalgia,and had it a number of years,which caused a lot of pain all over my body,but this worsened dramatically when Ayesha died. They say it either affects your Mind or in my case it did affect my body,yes it has changed me in a big way,i am not the person that i once was,but i suppose it is to be expected,people think and assume i am brave and strong,but a lot of the time,you put a brave face on and pretend you are okay,because people do not understand how to deal with you,being they have not been through it,fortunately.
Christmas of 2008 the only thing i wanted was to make sure that My Daugher had a nice headstone,and my mother had a nice one on hers,they were buried next to each other,there was one space next to Ayesha,because in that area most had been filled,apart from this space left,so they are next to each other. It sort of gave me a little comfort,that she was not on her own.
Ayesha's grave down in Ffestiniog Cemetery
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