This was a living nightmare for me,my mind was everywhere,i could not fully understand what was going on,the only thing i knew was that it was beyond me,and that i could do nothing in my power to help my daughter.I felt i was failing her,but none of this,was my fault,but even though,i could not start to feel guilty myself,as i had done everything in my power,to take her to a safe place,well that is what i thought,it turned out,that i had handed my daughter to a killer,that is how i felt.
I sat there with her,while they were doing all the procedures necessary to make the journey to Liverpool. I watched her,and hoped,at any minute,she would open her eyes,now that 70mls of fluid had been drained from the brain,but it was just not going to happen,it was all a dream,a dream that was not going to happen.
I asked if i was allowed to go to Liverpool,in the Ambulance with her,but i was told no,that there was anaesthetists and a lot of other doctors,and professionals going with her,and that i had to follow on,in an ambulance car.
Ayesha went on her journey,i had doctors and nurses rushing to my aid,giving me toiletries,asking did i need anything,at this point,nothing mattered,all i wanted,was my daughter to survive,the journey to Alder Hey. It was two hours,and two hours is long,when its life and death.
We followed the ambulance,on the A55,i was driven by a young chap from Caernarfon,he had been breifly told the story by the hospital,and of course he tried comforting me,on my journey,he knew i was so scared.He was telling me everything i wanted to hear,trying to put a smile on my face,poor bloke,nothing worked,but i was very appreciated of his support,whoever he was.
Going up the Dduallt Hill,the Ambulance slowed down dramatically,we were a bit of a distance behind it.To me,something serious had happened to Ayesha,allsorts of things were flashing in front of eyes,thinking the worst. It eventually started going,and my heartbeat,slowed down,i was totally relieved. Another obstacle crossed.
As we headed for the Wirral,the Ambulance took one route,because the tunnel had been closed,for emergency only,so that the ambulance could go through, we had to go another route.
When I arrived there,Ayesha had already gone in.I rushed to the Reception area,and was told my daughter was having massive brain surgery,as we spoke,and it could be something like 5 hours,on us getting to know something. It was about 2pm,by now,i had a long wait,all i could do was walk around the grounds,and go back in,go for a drink,in the canteen,to steady my nerves,well to try and steady my nerves.
I was there,alone,and could have done with support,i have never felt so alone in my life,the nurses,were amazing,they were so caring and suppportive.
When i got back,a Neurosurgeon,came up to see me,and said that Ayesha had,had two major operations,to drain the fluid from the brain,they had inserted two external shunts,and was living in hope they would work. But,while he was talking to me,he said another Neurosurgeon,was at the same time,reopening her skull,because she had a massive clot on the brain,due to the failures at Ysbyty Gwynedd,where the damage had been done,due to neglect.
All I could do was await some news,and hopefully it had been a success. They could not tell me anymore,because they did not know the extent of the damage,as yet.
About 7pm,it was all over,and she was eventually brought through to Intensive Care. She looked weak and pale,but as pretty as ever,her hair obviously shaved,and loads of tubes. It was just the beginning,it was going to be a long haul for me,and for all who cared for her.
I did not class i had a partner,because i had asked him to be with me at the Hospital,but he still said the same thing,that he could not be there,due to work commitments,I could not believe,why someone could be so heartless,at such a devestating time,when i phoned,and when i was upset,he would turn it around,as if it was nothing,in what i was going through.To be honest,i am glad he was not there,it was bad enough,as it was,and i think it would have been worse.
Days went past,and they tried to explain,a few things,what they had done,and the usual things,that go on in hospital,but three days after the operation Paul May,the Consultant Neurologist,called me in,to give me the devestating news,that Ayesha was totally brain damaged. The extent of the damage was severe,and the prognosis was very bad. I was told that the temperature gauge in her head,had finished working.Her temperature would go up to over 48*.She was on a cooling mattress,it did nothing,she was burning up so much,that you put ice bricks on her body,only to melt in seconds,there was even steam coming from her body.It was heartbreaking to watch,as a mother.
Staff on the Intensive Care,admitted to never seeing nothing like that before,and when their shift was up,they would find themselves thinking about her,and even making calls in to work,to check on how Ayesha was doing. That is how bad things were.
They believed the shunts was not working,and decided to reoperate on her brain,again,and see what became of it,so they put a new type of shunt in,again a few days later,they came to the conclusion,that water was still collecting on the brain,that is why Ayesha,was still not able to breathe on her own,there was so many problems.They had tried her,and she failed after a couple of hours. They did say,if there was a tiny improvement,they would try her off the ventilator again,and see what happened. In a week or so,that is what they did. This time round,she coped better,and hung on there,breathing by herself. Of course,i was on cloud nine,thinking that she was getting over the worse.
They brought a special blanket that was handmade and put it on her bed,and said the blanket would be going home,one day,with Ayesha.The Special Blanket,is given to children,who are seriously ill,and if they survive the trauma,they can take it home for keepsake.
It cheered me up,giving me a more positive outlook on her health,at that time.
It was just all the waiting,for news,and waiting for Ayesha,to open her eyes,that we had to do now. Going up to the unit,was hard,not knowing what to expect,from even an hour ago,because it was touch and go,all the time.
They all hoped and prayed,that she would improve,but in a matter of days,Ayesha seemed to deteriorate,i did not want to believe this,because it was too hard.
I was called in to have a discussion with around 13 Proffesional people,and they brought a Nurse in,to be there to support me,because they had bad news to give me.
I was told that she would never get better,and the next step would be,to give her a Tracheostomy,which means,a tube in her throat.
I felt that Ayesha would be going through more torture,again,but the prognosis would never be good,as i was told,she would be in a vegetated state,the rest of her life.
From a little girl,who understood everything,could see,hear,was intelligent,and was just unable to walk,she would never open her eyes again,because she would be blind,she would not ever understand,she would not smile ever again,i could not imagine it,not for her,nor for me.
I was devestated,angry,in shock,numb.
They had mentioned Pallative Care,after her first major brain surgery,but I did not take it in,at the time,I did not understand much about it,and being i wanted to fight,for my little girl's life,i also did not want to know,at that time. I thought that she would improve,in time. I could not give up on her,and had to give her a chance.
The time came,when I had to make decisions about my Daughter. It was the hardest part of my life ever. People make decisions on a daily basis,what are they going to have to eat today?where to go on Holidays?
Making a decision to let your daughter die with dignity,was devestating.I had to leave the Hospital,for a couple of days,to try and think straight. I had to do what was right for Ayesha,not for me.
For me,even though she would be in a coma forever,in her bed,I could still see her,hug her,tell her i loved her. I would not get any response. It would not be the life Ayesha,would have wanted. She was a sunbeam,such a joy in my life,brought me endless happiness,and to think,she would be in her bed,the rest of her life,asleep. I could not bear it.
I thought long and hard,cried my heart out,could not find the answers i was looking for,but the only answer that was in my head was,not to let her go through more pain,in her life.
I had to decide,that if she failed to breathe on her own again,that we were not to re-ventilate her.
I was asked to go up to the Ward on the 10th February at 6pm ,when the tube was being taken out,for the final time.
My legs were weak,knowing what was ahead of me. I awaited for them to do the procedure,because they did not want me there. It took about 15 minutes in all,and then,i was allowed in.
She looked the same,looked at peace,that was the hard part,seeing her,as she used to look,nothing had changed.The only part that had changed was her arms and legs,damaged by the brain damage,that she had postured so much,it had left effects on all her limbs.
The Nurses walked in with the trolley,full of drugs,drips. It then made me realise that this was it,this is Pallative Care. They gave her morphine drugs, and just waited.This went on,until the 13th February. I was told,that all the organs were finishing..It was so hard. Her heart had slowed down dramatically in the afternoon of the 12th.I was offered to go for my last cuddle,in her bed,in which i did for 2.5hrs,i knew it was the last time,we would be cuddled up,together.It was torture. She would only take a few breaths a minute,and when she did not breathe,i thought,that i had lost her.
It went on like this until Ayesha,took her last breath,at 2.10am on the 13th February 2007.
This Friday,23rd July,Ayesha would have been 14 years old.We shared the same Birthdays.